Way Back

I am not about me, but about those around me. I'm about those I love and who love me. I enjoy solitude and am comfortable with my own self. I admit, though, that my best memories involve other people. In this photograph, I don't think I have any memories. Probably no thoughts at all. I'm happy though. I'm with someone who loves me. At the moment this photo was taken, I only knew that I was fed and dry and that I was held securely and safely. I knew nothing about days to come.

I'd like to share a video with you. It's about my dad. http://www.logcabinstudios.tv/flash%20Video/ATA_Highlight.html

Even now, I don't know what lies ahead. I'm blindly content. I'm okay with that. I'm good at living in the moment. Sometimes it causes me to march in place. I sit down at the computer, determined to maintain the needed discipline to get my editing done. The phone rings and pulls me out of my frame of mind. It's another videographer. We talk for a few minutes. The other videographer is feeling isolated and just wants to hear the sound of a human being's voice. I know that feeling, so I don't fuss. When at last I hang up, I'm ready for a glass of water, so I head down to the kitchen. On the way, I notice that the bed is unmade or the cats need water. One thing leads to another and I find myself sitting back down to work at 2:00. The day is half gone. I enjoy whatever I'm doing at the moment to the point that I think I'm doomed to accomplish little. I'll tell you though - making videos is awesome. You think up an idea in your head, film it, edit it, and watch your vision come to life. If that's even a billionith of what it must have been like when God created the world, Wow! - He must have loved it. He had a vision and he made it happen. Creativity is the great. We probably all think he's done with his creating. I think we're a work in progress though. What do you think?

So. If you've never met me before and you're just passing through - leave a note. If you have met me - leave a note. It's been a long dry spell since anybody's left me a note. My cup of creativity is bone dry. Help me fill it up by dropping me a line.

Shelley

Lots of changes since 2007

Can it be true that I haven't written since 2007? I guess it must be. It was back when I still had InfiniVision Productions. I hadn't even checked out this blog since then. I was disappointed to see that no one had commented or added to the blog in all that time. I have a blog called Sisters Today and no one has commented on that one either. It's time to do something to change that. I would love to hear from people.

In August of 2008, I gave in and took part time work for Roy's company. He said Julie was struggling to keep up with the workload and asked for help. I volunteered to help. Part time. How bad could that be? I'd be able to work from home and still do my video work full time. Working from home was more difficult than I thought it would be. There were a lot of people needing to talk to me and they seemed to need me to be there in the office. I struggled along, not really sure of the big picture - just sort of muddling through everything. Working there and editing here started wearing me down. At Christmas I took two weeks off from everything and spent it with family. It was an amazing time. When I went back to my part time job, I was VERY behind and even more confused about what I was really supposed to be doing. I think I put in over 30 hours a week those next two weeks. That's about the time when Julie was told that she would have to be put to part time. She was making quite a few mistakes and the customers were unhappy about that. Roy asked me if I'd take over. Go full time. Wow. That was a leap. Going from editing full time to doing financial analysis full time. What if I made a lot of mistakes, too. What if the work was just too much for me. I agreed to give it a try and I'm still on the job. It's March now. I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of it. Julie is working part time - doing the work I'd been doing since August. We pretty much switched places. This week, we'll probably switch offices as well. The busy of the time will be over and there will be time to move. I am happy where I am, but I can't fit all the files I need in my little space. Julie has all the files in her office and will need less with her new work, so could easily fit in to my cozy little space. She's pretty unhappy with the way things have turned out. I feel bad for her. She tries so hard. I'm trying pretty hard myself.

So instead of working from home, which I thought would be my life from now on, I'm working at a full time job again. It was kind of inevitable. I thought God wanted me to trust him and I was trying. Even with me working at home, we were actually able to pay our bills - though barely. I didn't succeed in relying on God the way he wants me to. I worried. I worried about paying the bills. I worried about losing the house. I worried about the future. I worried about keeping my business going. My equipment was getting worn out and I couldn't get it repaired. I couldn't always buy supplies for the business - blank tapes, blank DVDs, stuff like that. Things seemed to be spiralling out of control. But I was home. I love being at home.

I do admit though that if I have to work at a job outside the home, the work I'm doing at Roy's office is a good fit for me. It's challenging. It has sameness and yet new things added in from time to time. It does feel very good to know that we can pay our bills and keep the house. The cabin feels more like home now that the insecurity is gone.

I didn't give up entirely on my video busines though. I asked Sarah to become my partner. She left her night job to do that. It has been wonderful. She's doing even better than I was. Editing and filming for five years without pay really got depressing. Sarah is getting a good salary and so she can stay motivated to do the work better than I was able to do. I'm proud of her for being my partner. I love it. It's a dream come true. There's no one I'd rather have as my partner in this business. Roy and Kevin are so helpful, too. It's really great.

Racing season starts this week. We're having a TV series this year on the local cable channel. The first episode is Thursday. We're still getting sponsors, but that's coming along nicely.

Ah, well. So my life has changed a lot since 2007. I'm happy. I'm learning to relax.
Roy is up at Dan and Katie's this weekend. I miss him, but am trying to use the time to get a lot done here. I moved the big computer to the other side of the room, so I could hook it up to the printers and scanners. Took a while, but all is done.

Well, enough is enough, I suppose. No one is going to read this anyways. Its kind of an online journal since I'm the only one reading it. I enjoy going back and reading past posts though.

Hey! Have a fantastic Saturday!

Full Up

I feel full up today. Maybe I've felt that way for a few days. Maybe even a few weeks. I am full up of feelings and burdens and anticipations. I've never been happier than I am right now. I can honestly say that this is the very best time of my life. When you're young you think that there's no way being old could be a very good thing. I can tell you that growing older is very fine. I like who I'm growing into. I like my own company most of the time. I like the direction I'm heading.

Right now is also the busiest time of my life - and maybe it's even pretty overwhelming. I have a lot of work to do for my company and my clients are getting anxious to have their finished projects. But I feel like I'm moving in slow motion. When I'm caught up, I've promised myself a trip to see my mom. We have a lot of fun together and she takes such wonderful care of me. Even having that reward ahead of me, though, I can't seem to pick up the pace. I'm beginning to wonder if I can't do anything fast. I feel vocational retarded.

But, as I said, it's the happiest time of my life. I feel like I'm on the verge of something - like I'm standing on some sort of precipice and what lies before me is absolutely amazing. It feels like it's going to be something wonderful. I don't know what it is. It seems to be in the mist. I don't know what impact it will have on my life, but yet I can hardly wait.

As I've mentioned in previous entries, we got our occupancy permit on August 15th. I was so surprised. I don't think I ever believed that we'd ever finish this cabin. I doubted all the way. Bad me. I think perhaps it was a mixture of not feeling I deserved this place, of not wanting to set myself up for disappointment if it didn't happen, and with just plain being exhausted. But we did get that occupancy permit and we live in our cabin. That very thing healed so many past hurts for me. Some painful memories from my childhood evaporated like a bubble touching a blade of grass. I found forgiveness and a lot of unwanted baggage just fell behind. My heart healed. My self esteem healed.

I started designing my dream house when I was 10 years old. It wasn't just a structure with four walls - not for me. It was 'home' that I wouldn't get evicted from or have to auction off. It was where I'd be safe and secure and fed and warm. It was where I'd be loved. It was where I laugh and feel joy and friendship. It was where good memories would be made and happy times shared. We've lived in many houses - we've owned a few houses. But when we built that first cabin, it was different. The house felt like a warm embrace. It felt like a welcome place and a place to belong. We didn't get to stay there long and when we left, I never could get that sense of a right direction out of my heart or mind.

The last house we had was a place that I tried to love. I tried for eight years. There were many times when I thought I could let go of the idea of a cabin. There were many times when the great memories, the movie nights, the card games, the music made, the stories written - were enough. But now here we are. And it seems so right. I feel as though I'm home for the very first time. Oh, it's not perfect. No child was raised here. I feel sad about that. There is absolutely nothing like children grow up in a house. This cabin is very quiet. Sometimes I try to imagine that I hear Robert and Dan as they played with their MatchBox cars, trading them and driving them around on the floor. I try to imagine I hear them listening to the Beach Boys while they play a computer game together. I try to imagine Sarah's young voice as she talks to a friend. Muffled voices and laughter. I can, even now, hear her laughter. I miss looking out the back window and seeing the three of them playing in the yard. I can't have memories like that here. My grandchildren provide some of that though and I'm so happy to have that. If they grow up feeling like this is as good as home, I'll be blessed.

Our Gabriel never got to roam the rooms of this cabin. He never got to lay down at my feet while I work in this office. He never will get to follow me around the house - not wanting to miss anything. He'll never get to explore the great outdoors. No walks together.

But I'm so grateful for this place. I hope to write stories here and paint paintings. I hope to edit many many videos. I hope to have a time when friends just show up. I feel like that'll be living. When friends just show up, taking a chance that I'm home. And we get to sit out on the porch or the back deck or just sit in the cabin and talk. Or play cards. Or have lunch. Just showing up. I would treasure those moments. To have someone think to themselves - I'd really like to see Shelley today, to talk to her. To be the one that pops into their head when they need someone to talk to or want some company. Oh, that would be a fine thing.

But this is the first place I've ever lived that doesn't have any curtains - well, not many. I don't like it. I tried. I guess some folks think it's crazy to cover up beautiful views with curtains and blinds. But I'm comforted by curtains. Right now, the view out every window is of gray skies, dead-looking woods (even though I know they're really only slumbering). My heart pales at the views out the windows. When I can close curtains, I feel like the cabin is embracing me in welcoming arms and protecting me. So I look forward to having curtains.

I went on an Emmaus Walk in early November. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I thought it would be some sort of stroll, maybe a long stroll. Then I thought maybe it would a retreat where we learn and talk and maybe cry. A time of vulnerability. It wasn't anything that I expected. And it didn't end. It goes on. It has an everlasting impact. I don't make friends easily. I need friends though. I need someone to talk to about personal things. I need someone to talk to me. I need good friends. I've thought many times over the past ten years that I'd found someone that I'd like to have as a good friend, maybe even a best friend. But they never needed me as much as I needed them and I had to let go. I would stand on the sidelines, trying to be there, inviting them once in a while to have lunch or go shopping. Hoping they would find in me a good friend, too. But I always had to let it go. One surprising friend that I have is Anna. Anna, you have become such a good friend to me. I told you one day that I don't know why you like to be my friend. We're a generation apart. But, oh, how I love being your friend. Thanks so much for that. You're making a good life for yourself and your daughter and I'm honored that I get to share in that.

I treasure the friendship of my children. They've each taken up lives of their own and are busier and busier as their children are born and grow. I'll take whatever time they'll give me. I treasure it, because when we're together I'm not just with the grown-up child, I'm with that child at all ages. When I look at my daughter, I see the 31 year-old woman and the 15 year old teenager and the 10 year old, the violin-playing Sarah, the Sarah that's in the school play, and the 2 year old and the newborn. She's all those things to me - always. Same with the boys.

Working from home can be very isolating and can become pretty lonely. There are no office parties. There's no one to turn to and bounce ideas off of. That can be stunting. Since Emmaus, I've become involved in a couple of small groups and I may even be starting up a second company with one of my fellow walkers. We're meeting this afternoon to talk more about it. My life feels more full and a lot less lonely. And I feel like even more good things are on the horizon. I think I'm a little bit too busy right now. Yet I don't know which of the new things will fit me. I'm going to try out each thing a few times and see if it's a good fit. I need to be able to keep up with my editing. Right now all the new activities are keeping me from editing as much as I should. Yet, when I do edit, I do a better job, because I'm truly less lonely and feel much more content.

I'm doing well with the association I belong to in the city. I'm the Vice-Chairman this year and will be the Chairman next year. I have found that the members of the group really seem to like me. I email reminders about meetings and they often respond back to me that they don't just read the first sentence. They want to read the whole thing. I love that. I'm needed. I'm still pretty nervous when I lead meetings, but I think I'll get better with practice. I feel very grateful that the board members are willing to let me get some practice.

I've joined a networking chapter in my local area. I don't really want to do it, but my accountant has assured me that good will come of it. I'm willing to give it a try.

Well, it's time to go sit at another desk and write out checks and pay some bills. I've been doing a horrible job at all that, too.

All in all, even though I'm pretty overwhelmed with work and can't seem to get into gear, I do feel at peace. I feel grateful for my life, my family, my friends, my work, my home. I can't wait to see what comes next.

Journal Entry from early life

On Sunday, August 8th, 1982, I wrote in my journal the following

I had a baby this morning at 4:37 a.m. I had a baby boy and we named him Daniel Edward Wilson...he is so beautiful. He has a round face.

Then what seems like a moment later, I wrote another journal entry

Dan turns 22 today. Somehow that feels like more of a landmark for me than for him. Turning 21 was a landmark for Dan, but it still sounded like 'son at home' than 22 does. 22 sounds more like 'son grown and gone so turn his room into something else now'. What do you think? Well, I think Dan's birthday is on the most beautiful day of the summer.

It's hard to let go of kids after having them around for 27 years. From the day Sarah was born until the day Dan was really grown and moved out on his own - was 27 years. I've thought about it a bit - being a mom without kids around. There have been so many wonderful and joyful days in my life as a mom. I have been blessed with such great moments and memories. Some days, though, I miss that most colorful and bright part of myself - my children. The best parts of me have grown up and are living their own lives. I wouldn't want it any other way, but there are just some days now and then - days I call 'onion days'.

I made a video about this. I made it for me. It's the only video I ever really made for me. It's about those onion days - when I wish ... well, when I miss old times. I don't know why, but last week I got the urge to enter that video in a Film Festival in Philadelphia. It didn't win. But everyone there knew it was me in the video and two young women came and sat with me as soon as it started playing. They cried through the whole thing. After the festival, some people approached me and congratulated me on such a well-done and beautiful video. There are a lot of moms out there who miss the days when their children were little. I sometimes think we miss the days when the children were the center of our universe, but now I'm wondering if perhaps we don't also miss that brief and fleeting time when WE were the center of their universe.

I'd like to show the video to others, but I'm scared. It shows my own vulnerability. Yet the message in it is so real and touches a truth. I don't know, but I wonder if other people feel the same.

The Secret

Have you heard about "The Secret"?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phL0RLKL8bc

What do you think about it? It brought tears to my eyes. I realize that the images were filmed by a professional ad agency using big-bucks film cameras, but the images made me want to capture things like that and put them together in ways that would move people and inspire them. I don't know where to go with it from there.

Someone gave me the book that goes with the video. It's about "The Law of Attraction" and is an interesting concept. If you've read it or looked at it, what do you think? It's about the way we think. There have been lots of books about that and people have spent their lives trying to figure out and harness how thinking affects us. This book says, more or less, that we sort of become our thoughts. If we're negative thinkers, we're negative people. If we're postive thinkers, we're positive people. It takes it further by saying that the way you think will direct your life. It sort of magnetizes you, so that like items are always in your life.

So I'm wondering what other people think about this. Do you think you can think yourself sick? Think yourself healthy? Think yourself rich? or poor? I'd love to know.

The picture that I chose for today's blog isn't an exceptionally magnificent photo. The thing that made me choose it was the way I felt the moment I took it. I was immensely happy. I had Kay, my best friend, with me. We were on one of our photography excursion in the German countryside. I have nothing but good memories about those times. Kay was a positive-thinker. She was good to be around. I can still hear her voice and see her face in my mind's eye. To really experience life, you have to get out of the car. You have to walk the lane. People seem afraid to do that. On my photo excursions, I definitely get out of the car.

What madness is this?

What madness can this be? I finished typing my latest blog - just minutes ago, as a matter of fact. Thought I'd read the blogs of someone else. That lead to reading yet someone else's blog. Wow. Then another. I was reading that third one and there was a blog about his children being sick on their vacation. I'm feeling sorry for those kids and all of a sudden my neck feels achey and I feel a little feverish myself. It's true, I've had a tickle in my throat all day, but nothing major. I'm reading that guy's blog and suddenly I don't feel so good at all. Sheesh.

I'm going to put one of my favorite pictures into this blog. It makes me feel better just to look at it.

Late hours tonight

I'm planning to work late tonight. I need to get some wedding stuff done. With Roy out of town, I can spend the time working and not feel guilty that I'm ignoring him. Tomorrow and Wednesday I'll be in Baltimore, so today is my only chance.

I've decided to add photography to my business, in case I haven't mentioned it before. I bought a brand new Canon 30D. I love it. I'm afraid I already have my sites set on a 5D. That's my dream camera. Next. For now, I have a great 30D. I have been practicing with it and feel like I'm getting the hang of many of the controls. I'm not sure about focus yet. I try to put it on manual focus and I'm not getting clear shots. I read that you can adjust the eyepiece to fit your own eyes. I haven't done that yet, because several people have been using the camera and taking pictures. If I set it for myself, they - no wait. It will be okay. I can tell them to use the Auto Focus setting. That should work. My getting new glasses would work, too. Anyhow, the night I bought the camera, I was so excited, I couldn't sleep. I love photography. It has immediate reinforcement, because you can look at what you just did immediately. What's that called - ah, immediate gratification. I am still crazy about video, too. I felt like a traitor deciding to add photography and get back into that - but in reality, I am a visual person and I will do whatever is necessary to express what needs expressing - artwork, photography, written word, or video.

I am getting to know lots of people through my work. They are all an hour or more away, but it's still just great to be making friends at last. Videographers and photographers are awesome people.

I'm thinking of creating a new blog site that is connected to my website. It'll be a way to keep my clients up to date on my work. Right now I'm so behind that I feel like my clients are probably on their way here with a lynching party (spelled that lunching the first time). Should I get out of the wedding videography business like Diane S is doing? She was also very slow and got really tired of the stress of being behind. Maybe I'm not cut out for that kind of stress. I can move into other areas of videography and into photography. I just don't know. I love wedding videography. I might need to work harder at getting faster. I know. I know. When the house is done.

Speaking of which - Sarah and Kevin were awesome this past weekend. They got the whole floor done in the guest bedroom. Well, almost. The OSB needs to be run out over the back porch yet. But I consider it done. We got the kitchen cabinets installed. I was supposed to call the "counter" people today to come measure for the counters - but completely forgot. Roy got the final floor installed in the guest bathroom. And we put in the sink and hung the mirrow over it. It looks great. We still have to get that electricity done. We have two outside lights on the front porch to wire and the two lights beside the laundry room door to wire. Then a few inside things. We're close to done though. We were able to get some things wired that we didn't think we could - like the light on the back porch off of the master bedroom. It was hard, but we got it done. It looks wonderful to walk into the cabin and see kitchen cabinets and bathrooms and all that good stuff.

Ta Ta.