Full Up

I feel full up today. Maybe I've felt that way for a few days. Maybe even a few weeks. I am full up of feelings and burdens and anticipations. I've never been happier than I am right now. I can honestly say that this is the very best time of my life. When you're young you think that there's no way being old could be a very good thing. I can tell you that growing older is very fine. I like who I'm growing into. I like my own company most of the time. I like the direction I'm heading.

Right now is also the busiest time of my life - and maybe it's even pretty overwhelming. I have a lot of work to do for my company and my clients are getting anxious to have their finished projects. But I feel like I'm moving in slow motion. When I'm caught up, I've promised myself a trip to see my mom. We have a lot of fun together and she takes such wonderful care of me. Even having that reward ahead of me, though, I can't seem to pick up the pace. I'm beginning to wonder if I can't do anything fast. I feel vocational retarded.

But, as I said, it's the happiest time of my life. I feel like I'm on the verge of something - like I'm standing on some sort of precipice and what lies before me is absolutely amazing. It feels like it's going to be something wonderful. I don't know what it is. It seems to be in the mist. I don't know what impact it will have on my life, but yet I can hardly wait.

As I've mentioned in previous entries, we got our occupancy permit on August 15th. I was so surprised. I don't think I ever believed that we'd ever finish this cabin. I doubted all the way. Bad me. I think perhaps it was a mixture of not feeling I deserved this place, of not wanting to set myself up for disappointment if it didn't happen, and with just plain being exhausted. But we did get that occupancy permit and we live in our cabin. That very thing healed so many past hurts for me. Some painful memories from my childhood evaporated like a bubble touching a blade of grass. I found forgiveness and a lot of unwanted baggage just fell behind. My heart healed. My self esteem healed.

I started designing my dream house when I was 10 years old. It wasn't just a structure with four walls - not for me. It was 'home' that I wouldn't get evicted from or have to auction off. It was where I'd be safe and secure and fed and warm. It was where I'd be loved. It was where I laugh and feel joy and friendship. It was where good memories would be made and happy times shared. We've lived in many houses - we've owned a few houses. But when we built that first cabin, it was different. The house felt like a warm embrace. It felt like a welcome place and a place to belong. We didn't get to stay there long and when we left, I never could get that sense of a right direction out of my heart or mind.

The last house we had was a place that I tried to love. I tried for eight years. There were many times when I thought I could let go of the idea of a cabin. There were many times when the great memories, the movie nights, the card games, the music made, the stories written - were enough. But now here we are. And it seems so right. I feel as though I'm home for the very first time. Oh, it's not perfect. No child was raised here. I feel sad about that. There is absolutely nothing like children grow up in a house. This cabin is very quiet. Sometimes I try to imagine that I hear Robert and Dan as they played with their MatchBox cars, trading them and driving them around on the floor. I try to imagine I hear them listening to the Beach Boys while they play a computer game together. I try to imagine Sarah's young voice as she talks to a friend. Muffled voices and laughter. I can, even now, hear her laughter. I miss looking out the back window and seeing the three of them playing in the yard. I can't have memories like that here. My grandchildren provide some of that though and I'm so happy to have that. If they grow up feeling like this is as good as home, I'll be blessed.

Our Gabriel never got to roam the rooms of this cabin. He never got to lay down at my feet while I work in this office. He never will get to follow me around the house - not wanting to miss anything. He'll never get to explore the great outdoors. No walks together.

But I'm so grateful for this place. I hope to write stories here and paint paintings. I hope to edit many many videos. I hope to have a time when friends just show up. I feel like that'll be living. When friends just show up, taking a chance that I'm home. And we get to sit out on the porch or the back deck or just sit in the cabin and talk. Or play cards. Or have lunch. Just showing up. I would treasure those moments. To have someone think to themselves - I'd really like to see Shelley today, to talk to her. To be the one that pops into their head when they need someone to talk to or want some company. Oh, that would be a fine thing.

But this is the first place I've ever lived that doesn't have any curtains - well, not many. I don't like it. I tried. I guess some folks think it's crazy to cover up beautiful views with curtains and blinds. But I'm comforted by curtains. Right now, the view out every window is of gray skies, dead-looking woods (even though I know they're really only slumbering). My heart pales at the views out the windows. When I can close curtains, I feel like the cabin is embracing me in welcoming arms and protecting me. So I look forward to having curtains.

I went on an Emmaus Walk in early November. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I thought it would be some sort of stroll, maybe a long stroll. Then I thought maybe it would a retreat where we learn and talk and maybe cry. A time of vulnerability. It wasn't anything that I expected. And it didn't end. It goes on. It has an everlasting impact. I don't make friends easily. I need friends though. I need someone to talk to about personal things. I need someone to talk to me. I need good friends. I've thought many times over the past ten years that I'd found someone that I'd like to have as a good friend, maybe even a best friend. But they never needed me as much as I needed them and I had to let go. I would stand on the sidelines, trying to be there, inviting them once in a while to have lunch or go shopping. Hoping they would find in me a good friend, too. But I always had to let it go. One surprising friend that I have is Anna. Anna, you have become such a good friend to me. I told you one day that I don't know why you like to be my friend. We're a generation apart. But, oh, how I love being your friend. Thanks so much for that. You're making a good life for yourself and your daughter and I'm honored that I get to share in that.

I treasure the friendship of my children. They've each taken up lives of their own and are busier and busier as their children are born and grow. I'll take whatever time they'll give me. I treasure it, because when we're together I'm not just with the grown-up child, I'm with that child at all ages. When I look at my daughter, I see the 31 year-old woman and the 15 year old teenager and the 10 year old, the violin-playing Sarah, the Sarah that's in the school play, and the 2 year old and the newborn. She's all those things to me - always. Same with the boys.

Working from home can be very isolating and can become pretty lonely. There are no office parties. There's no one to turn to and bounce ideas off of. That can be stunting. Since Emmaus, I've become involved in a couple of small groups and I may even be starting up a second company with one of my fellow walkers. We're meeting this afternoon to talk more about it. My life feels more full and a lot less lonely. And I feel like even more good things are on the horizon. I think I'm a little bit too busy right now. Yet I don't know which of the new things will fit me. I'm going to try out each thing a few times and see if it's a good fit. I need to be able to keep up with my editing. Right now all the new activities are keeping me from editing as much as I should. Yet, when I do edit, I do a better job, because I'm truly less lonely and feel much more content.

I'm doing well with the association I belong to in the city. I'm the Vice-Chairman this year and will be the Chairman next year. I have found that the members of the group really seem to like me. I email reminders about meetings and they often respond back to me that they don't just read the first sentence. They want to read the whole thing. I love that. I'm needed. I'm still pretty nervous when I lead meetings, but I think I'll get better with practice. I feel very grateful that the board members are willing to let me get some practice.

I've joined a networking chapter in my local area. I don't really want to do it, but my accountant has assured me that good will come of it. I'm willing to give it a try.

Well, it's time to go sit at another desk and write out checks and pay some bills. I've been doing a horrible job at all that, too.

All in all, even though I'm pretty overwhelmed with work and can't seem to get into gear, I do feel at peace. I feel grateful for my life, my family, my friends, my work, my home. I can't wait to see what comes next.

Journal Entry from early life

On Sunday, August 8th, 1982, I wrote in my journal the following

I had a baby this morning at 4:37 a.m. I had a baby boy and we named him Daniel Edward Wilson...he is so beautiful. He has a round face.

Then what seems like a moment later, I wrote another journal entry

Dan turns 22 today. Somehow that feels like more of a landmark for me than for him. Turning 21 was a landmark for Dan, but it still sounded like 'son at home' than 22 does. 22 sounds more like 'son grown and gone so turn his room into something else now'. What do you think? Well, I think Dan's birthday is on the most beautiful day of the summer.

It's hard to let go of kids after having them around for 27 years. From the day Sarah was born until the day Dan was really grown and moved out on his own - was 27 years. I've thought about it a bit - being a mom without kids around. There have been so many wonderful and joyful days in my life as a mom. I have been blessed with such great moments and memories. Some days, though, I miss that most colorful and bright part of myself - my children. The best parts of me have grown up and are living their own lives. I wouldn't want it any other way, but there are just some days now and then - days I call 'onion days'.

I made a video about this. I made it for me. It's the only video I ever really made for me. It's about those onion days - when I wish ... well, when I miss old times. I don't know why, but last week I got the urge to enter that video in a Film Festival in Philadelphia. It didn't win. But everyone there knew it was me in the video and two young women came and sat with me as soon as it started playing. They cried through the whole thing. After the festival, some people approached me and congratulated me on such a well-done and beautiful video. There are a lot of moms out there who miss the days when their children were little. I sometimes think we miss the days when the children were the center of our universe, but now I'm wondering if perhaps we don't also miss that brief and fleeting time when WE were the center of their universe.

I'd like to show the video to others, but I'm scared. It shows my own vulnerability. Yet the message in it is so real and touches a truth. I don't know, but I wonder if other people feel the same.

The Secret

Have you heard about "The Secret"?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phL0RLKL8bc

What do you think about it? It brought tears to my eyes. I realize that the images were filmed by a professional ad agency using big-bucks film cameras, but the images made me want to capture things like that and put them together in ways that would move people and inspire them. I don't know where to go with it from there.

Someone gave me the book that goes with the video. It's about "The Law of Attraction" and is an interesting concept. If you've read it or looked at it, what do you think? It's about the way we think. There have been lots of books about that and people have spent their lives trying to figure out and harness how thinking affects us. This book says, more or less, that we sort of become our thoughts. If we're negative thinkers, we're negative people. If we're postive thinkers, we're positive people. It takes it further by saying that the way you think will direct your life. It sort of magnetizes you, so that like items are always in your life.

So I'm wondering what other people think about this. Do you think you can think yourself sick? Think yourself healthy? Think yourself rich? or poor? I'd love to know.

The picture that I chose for today's blog isn't an exceptionally magnificent photo. The thing that made me choose it was the way I felt the moment I took it. I was immensely happy. I had Kay, my best friend, with me. We were on one of our photography excursion in the German countryside. I have nothing but good memories about those times. Kay was a positive-thinker. She was good to be around. I can still hear her voice and see her face in my mind's eye. To really experience life, you have to get out of the car. You have to walk the lane. People seem afraid to do that. On my photo excursions, I definitely get out of the car.

What madness is this?

What madness can this be? I finished typing my latest blog - just minutes ago, as a matter of fact. Thought I'd read the blogs of someone else. That lead to reading yet someone else's blog. Wow. Then another. I was reading that third one and there was a blog about his children being sick on their vacation. I'm feeling sorry for those kids and all of a sudden my neck feels achey and I feel a little feverish myself. It's true, I've had a tickle in my throat all day, but nothing major. I'm reading that guy's blog and suddenly I don't feel so good at all. Sheesh.

I'm going to put one of my favorite pictures into this blog. It makes me feel better just to look at it.

Late hours tonight

I'm planning to work late tonight. I need to get some wedding stuff done. With Roy out of town, I can spend the time working and not feel guilty that I'm ignoring him. Tomorrow and Wednesday I'll be in Baltimore, so today is my only chance.

I've decided to add photography to my business, in case I haven't mentioned it before. I bought a brand new Canon 30D. I love it. I'm afraid I already have my sites set on a 5D. That's my dream camera. Next. For now, I have a great 30D. I have been practicing with it and feel like I'm getting the hang of many of the controls. I'm not sure about focus yet. I try to put it on manual focus and I'm not getting clear shots. I read that you can adjust the eyepiece to fit your own eyes. I haven't done that yet, because several people have been using the camera and taking pictures. If I set it for myself, they - no wait. It will be okay. I can tell them to use the Auto Focus setting. That should work. My getting new glasses would work, too. Anyhow, the night I bought the camera, I was so excited, I couldn't sleep. I love photography. It has immediate reinforcement, because you can look at what you just did immediately. What's that called - ah, immediate gratification. I am still crazy about video, too. I felt like a traitor deciding to add photography and get back into that - but in reality, I am a visual person and I will do whatever is necessary to express what needs expressing - artwork, photography, written word, or video.

I am getting to know lots of people through my work. They are all an hour or more away, but it's still just great to be making friends at last. Videographers and photographers are awesome people.

I'm thinking of creating a new blog site that is connected to my website. It'll be a way to keep my clients up to date on my work. Right now I'm so behind that I feel like my clients are probably on their way here with a lynching party (spelled that lunching the first time). Should I get out of the wedding videography business like Diane S is doing? She was also very slow and got really tired of the stress of being behind. Maybe I'm not cut out for that kind of stress. I can move into other areas of videography and into photography. I just don't know. I love wedding videography. I might need to work harder at getting faster. I know. I know. When the house is done.

Speaking of which - Sarah and Kevin were awesome this past weekend. They got the whole floor done in the guest bedroom. Well, almost. The OSB needs to be run out over the back porch yet. But I consider it done. We got the kitchen cabinets installed. I was supposed to call the "counter" people today to come measure for the counters - but completely forgot. Roy got the final floor installed in the guest bathroom. And we put in the sink and hung the mirrow over it. It looks great. We still have to get that electricity done. We have two outside lights on the front porch to wire and the two lights beside the laundry room door to wire. Then a few inside things. We're close to done though. We were able to get some things wired that we didn't think we could - like the light on the back porch off of the master bedroom. It was hard, but we got it done. It looks wonderful to walk into the cabin and see kitchen cabinets and bathrooms and all that good stuff.

Ta Ta.

Only a minute

This spring is beautiful. The fact that the cabin is under roof makes any weather beautiful. But it has been really nice. We're having sunny days in the 70's and that makes it even better. I'm overwhelmed with work and most of the time I'm okay with that. I just look at the thing I'm doing at the moment and keep my mind focused on that. When I finish it, I look at what needs doing next. I always have an overall picture in my head of all the things I need to do, but I focus on what I'm doing right now. The only time I get stressed about it is when something bad happens, such as a client calling and getting upset because their wedding video isn't done. That really upsets me and then everything looks more overwhelming and I want to quit or run away. On rainy days it seems worse. On nice days - like today - it seems better.

Sometimes I have days like yesterday. We got a lot done on the cabin this weekend and last evening I had to drive up to Gaithersburg to meet with a prospective client - my first Bar Mitzvah and my first photography gig. I was very nervous. They hadn't hired me yet, but wanted to meet with me and they wanted me to bring a camera and take pictures of the son to use as a sign-in picture at the reception. I didn't want to show up with my little Canon Rebel if I didn't have to, so when I was at Best Buy Saturday evening, I looked at their cameras. They had a Canon 30D, but not the 20D. I was told by colleagues to buy a 20D. I had gone online looking for one. Lots of places had them, but they were places like "Bargains.com" or "Cheap.com" and I wanted to buy it from a place I'm familiar with, like B&H. B&H doesn't sell them. What to do? Well, Best Buy had several cameras, including my Rebel, a couple of Nikons, a Sony, and the Canon 30D. The guy working there opened up the case (he admitted he knows practically nothing about cameras - great) and I got to handle the cameras. The Nikon and the Canon 30D felt awesome. Heavy, substantial. I decided the 3oD must be even better than the 20D. I mean, afterall, the number 30D seems higher than 20D - right? Plus I had found out the 20D costs about $950 and here was this 30D at $1,499. It must be a better camera. So I bought it. I bought a zoom lens, too. I was so excited. I didn't get to sleep until 2 am that night because I was so excited about really committing to photography by making that purchase.

The next day while we were working on the cabin, I started wondering about my purchase. I ran inside and got online and started looking. I found several forums where people talked about the 20D, the 30D, and the Nikon. They liked the Canon better than the Nikon - didn't expect that. I couldn't find anything comparing the 20D and 30D though. But I did find out that the smaller the number of the camera, the better the resolution. That upset me. I found an old article saying that the 20D has 8.2 megapixels and that the 30D only had like 5. Well, my 30D has 8.2, so I must have the newest model. That's all I could find comparing the two. The 5D has over 10 megapixels and costs almost $3,000. So it looks like the smaller the number of the model, the better the camera. It looks like there's a 1D, which is really awesome, but I didn't see any specs or prices on that. SO! I don't know if I made a great purchase or not. I do know that all my Canon cameas can share lenses. So if I have to buy just the body of a 20D or a 5D later, I can do that and keep different lenses on each one so that when I'm shooting pictures at a gig, I don't have to take the lens off and put on a different one. I'd just use the different cameras for the different shots. But still. I bought a 30D. I hope I didn't do a stupid thing.

I took that camera with me last night to Gaithersburg. Like I said, I was nervous. On the way, since it was suppertime, I ate pork rinds, puffn cheese popcorn, a candy bar, beef jerky, and a Pepsi. Sheesh. That's nervous. I got there 15 minutes early and didn't realize it. I caught them off guard. The mother was napping. They were very gracious and kind though. We all sat down in the family room. The son seemed very aloof and didn't talk much. I told them I'd like to just talk first - get to know them and the son. I asked the son what he's interested in - hobbies and studies at school. I asked him about friends. He loosened up a tiny bit, but not a lot. He is not only smart, but he's incredibly gifted. I decided I could trust him with my brand new camera. I handed it to him and showed him how to do a couple of things. He loved it. Soon he was smiling and he took pictures of his sister and parents. He tried different settings and decided he likes photography. His parents were happy to see that I was able to make the children comfortable. I took pictures of the boy doing some karate forms. He was uncomfortable with that - wanted to be photographed in a suit and tie. I told him that if he'd let me get him doing some karate, then we'd do the suit and tie next. He had so much fun doing the karate for the camera that we didn't have to do the suit and tie after all. Then for fun, I took pictures of the younger sister doing hula hoop. That sounds like nothing, but it was something indeed. She can keep up to 11 hula hoops going. She has a routine with them and she has a poodle skirt she wears. I got her to wear the poodle skirt and do the whole routine. We had so much fun. The parents were thrilled with the pictures and I got the contract. Now all I have to do is figure out what to do with the pictures. I know just who I can ask. I know I need to send them somewhere online and make them available for the family and they'll chose which to use at the Bar Mitzvah. It needs to be printed poster size. How exciting.

So that's it. I am a photographer!

The Whole Buffet on My Plate

I have the whole buffet on my plate this week. A little of everything. I edited two races (just finishing up the second one with not a second to spare), lost and reclaimed my website, built a new website from scratch, did the paperwork for a brand new company, skipped more meals than not, moved a whole storage bin to the cabin, put up the ceiling of a porch, stained a log wall, accepted delivery on 40 boxes of kitchen cabinets, watched the plumber install pipes and tubs and showers, celebrated running water, entertained a 4 year old, got the floor measured for hard wood and carpet, and celebrated warmth and spring. And the week is not completely over. It was actually a busier week than I'm making it out to be, but I started falling asleep just thinking about the things I've done, so thought better of listing them all.

I'm thinking of adding photography to my business. Video AND photography. Not sure if I'm spreading myself too thin (is that even possible?) I have this vision of having people come to my studio here at the cabin for portraits. It just sounds like fun. I'd love it if I could photograph pets, too. I have two videography associates who added photography to their businesses and they have had an incredibly successful year. One of them said she made $100,000 this year and she's going to hire two people to work for her. Imagine that. I have to buy another camera for it though. Can't wait. I love new toys. I already have the lights. I even have a green screen - not that it has anything to do with photography.

This weekend we're going to try to finish up the wiring in the cabin. It's important to do that. It's holding the whole project up now. The inspector won't come and inspect the plumbing until he can inspect the wiring, too. So we have to buy a bunch of blue boxes. He said we have to have all of them installed. So we'll work on that and a couple of guys will work on walls or floors. The plumber won't come back until the inspection is done and we have the cabinets in. We can't put the cabinets in until the walls are up and we can't put the walls up until the inspection is done and the inspection can't be done until the wiring is done. Sheesh! A log jam, for sure. So if we get that wiring done, the whole thing will flow again. I bought a formal gown, high heels, black hose, earrings and a necklace to wear when I go out and do my celebration dance. I'm going to dance all around the house with joy.

Well, I'm going to eat some lunch. It's about time. Might be too busy to get supper tonight - race night.

More another time.

Something about rain

There's something about rain. Right now, I don't mind it. It means I probably won't have to film the first race of the season tonight. I'm grateful for the reprieve. It's one of those days when I remind myself that I'm not going to take the term "Dried In" for granted. I appreciate "Dried In" indeed. I enjoy rainy days most when I can stay home and curl up with a good old movie or a good book. Today I have to put in some time at the off-site office, so I can't do the "curl-up" thing. It'll be all the sweeter though when it's a rainy day and we live in the log cabin and I can do lots of quality "curling-up".

Any day now we'll have plumbing and heating. Today we're going to buy the sinks and vanities for the bathrooms, buy stain for the walls, buy tiles for the bathroom floor. We're going to work lots of hours putting in the sub-floors upstairs. Up until now we've only been able to put in a couple of boards each evening. Last evening we got in seven boards. From now on we're going to use lights and work longer. We're both anxious to get finished. We need to finish. We've got some quality time coming our way.

I still think a lot about those last weeks with my dad. There's really no one I can talk to about it. It was an unusal time.

I like to lay in bed in the mornings while Roy is getting ready for work. The RV is small and it's difficult for the two of us to be up and getting ready for anything at the same time. So I lay in bed while he's showering and dressing and eating breakfast. I like to "think" about things. Right now I have to really hunt around in my head for nice things to think about. Most things quickly lead to stress. If I think about editing (and I love to edit), I immediately remember that I'm unbelievably behind and that clients are chomping at the bit. I seem to be able to think about some aspects of the cabin. The things that we're working on now are pretty great compared to what we've had to do so far. I think I'd like (no, I'd LOVE) to have the electrical work done. That would open up lots of new doors. I guess I should focus on one thing at a time, huh?

I was the chairman of an event in Baltimore Tuesday evening. It was an honor to be a part of the first Film Festival for the Baltimore Videographer's Association. We ended up with several sponsors, with 41 excellent video entries, and a wonderful evening of "dress-up". I stood up in front of maybe 100 people and hosted the evening. I felt comfortable and I hope I was able to make the audience comfortable. It was a joy to announce the winners and get hugs as well as hand-shakes from each of them. I could tell they were indeed overjoyed to win an award. It was great to see the winners so happy to be "recognized" and "chosen". I was happy for them. It didn't matter that I wasn't a winner. Because they were winners, I felt like a winner, too. Anyhow, the hard work paid off and I'm glad we did it.

I have a small article (very small) in a magazine right now. I didn't expect it. I wrote a letter to Log Home Living and hoped they would contact me about doing an article on our cabin, since we're building it ourselves. They never did get in touch with me, but I wasn't concerned. Then yesterday my new magazine arrived in the mail. It was actually too warm in the RV to do editing. The computers were getting hot. So I got a glass of water and gathered up the cat, a couple of phones, and the magazine - and went out to sit in the cabin for a few minutes. I settled into the lawn chair that sits in the master bedroom. I arranged my phones on a pile of lumber and found a safe spot for my glass of water. I opened up the magazine and perused the first pages. On page 10 my eye fell on a photo. I normally look at the pictures first. Wait a minute! Hold on there! That's me. That's us. What the...? I looked the page over and it was about us. In fact, it was the very letter I wrote. Word for word. I didn't write it for publishing, so I'm thinking "I should have written it differently" - maybe more interesting. But there it is anyhow - an "as is" article. Then it hit me that this letter and this picture were going to be seen by a lot of people. I'm in a national magazine. WooHoo!!! So it was my moment in the sun. What an awesome thing.

I just thought of another thing I can think about. My children. What do you call your children when they're grown up - have been for a while now? chil-ups? bigguns? Anyhow, right now, today, all three of my children are thriving. Sarah is thriving at her job and has turned it into a career. Her stick-to-it-iveness has paid off for her. Congratulations, Sarah! Robert just finished Officer Candidate School and has moved on to Texas where he's in another school. He is living a good life. Things are falling into place for him and soon he'll have his wife and children at his side again. Good for you, Robert! And Dan. Dan has found a career, too, and it's one that fits him well. He's living in a wonderful part of the country - the Philly area - and he's living large. Way to go, Dan! I'm with you all. Even when you don't think I am. I'm close by, even from afar.

I hope to get better at this blogging thing. I may never excel at it, but it'll be fun taking the journey.

Shelley

Overwhelmed

This is my first entry. I'm nervous. Don't know what to think of this blogging stuff. I'm an avid journalist, so I'm telling myself that I just need to write as if I'm writing in my journal. I've been journaling since I was ten years old - a long time. When I got married, I threw away those first journals. Now I wish I hadn't. So - word of advice - keep journals and never throw them away. Someone told me that they ended up with a sister's journals. The children of the sister wanted them destroyed, but my friend said she wasn't sure what to do. I asked her not to thrown them away - that she didn't need to read them, but that the sister wouldn't have wanted to spend all those years writing the words from her heart and then have them destroyed. It would be like saying her life didn't count for anything. So I say, keep those journals. No one needs to read them, but they should at least be saved.

There! The first words are out. I'm good to go.

I am very very sore tonight. Our appliances were delivered today for the log cabin and I had to move a whole bundle of tongue and groove lumber so the guys could bring the appliances into the house. I worked pretty hard and actually finished before they arrived. I also cleaned up the inside of the cabin. It was in pretty bad shape with trash and wood chips and sawdust and scraps of wood. I was pretty excited about getting the appliances. It sort of symbolizes something. I have to admit that I have not believed in this project. When we decided to do it, I wanted it with all my heart. But once we got started, I started floundering. Is the place too big? Will we be able to afford it? Can we build it ourselves? Will we finish it? I had lots of doubts. I cried a lot. Roy, my husband, never doubted. His faith was steadfast. He was an inspiration to me and sometimes his faith kept me going when nothing inside myself could. This has been the hardest thing we've ever done. It took more help than we thought we'd need. I felt bad because we were supposed to be building it mostly ourselves, but we depended on others so much. Every step of the way was very slow and very hard. We had lots of good days when things seemed to go quickly and look so wonderful. Then we had lots of bad days when it was wet or too hot or too cold or there wasn't enough help.

Then the logs were up. And in the middle of that - of starting on the roof - my dad came to live with us. I hadn't seen much of my dad in probably 30 years. I don't know who's fault that was. I wrote to my dad and I sent him things. But he seldom answered. He was only here three months. He died on December 30th. We knew he was going to die, but not when. He seemed to be getting better actually. He was almost totally deaf. In that three months we never really got to talk. I think that's one of my biggest regrets. I thought we had more time. I thought eventually I'd be able to get him a hearing aide. I thought we'd get the cabin done and he'd get to move into it and be move comfortable. When he came to us, we were living in an RV (still are), and we put him in the other RV. I think he was disappointed about everything. I think he was very unhappy here. I think he was lonely and wanted so desperately to have a family life. I couldn't make it happen. He didn't want to really come over to our RV and his was too small for family get-togethers. Plus it was hard to be with him. He couldn't hear, so you couldn't talk to him. He didn't watch TV or listen to the radio since he was deaf. So when you visited him, he would reminisce about the old days and we would listen.

Last night I was thinking about him. I guess my main memory is of him just sitting over there. He sat over there in silence. We had a baby monitor and so we could hear if he needed help. He never said a word when he was alone. All I could hear was the oxygen machine. He just sat there on the little couch in silence and all alone. Sometimes I'd hear him fixing himself something to eat. But he was mostly alone. Once when I was over there, he was crying. He said he was so lonely. He said he saw me coming and going a lot, but I wasn't coming and going to see him. I feel bad about how much time he was alone over there. I know in my heart that I did my best. I was over there quite a bit. I tried so hard to make him happy. It wasn't possible - at least not in our circumstances. But now he's gone. I got to know him a little better, but it was a disapointment for him. I know this whole thing is kind of rambling, but that's sort of how my emotions and thoughts are about him. I can't think about it much, but it's always there in the back of my mind. It was a really hard time. And it was at a really difficult time.

Now the roof is on the cabin. The stairway is built, so we can walk up and down without ladders and without going outside and around. No more mud. No more sweeping up water. I'm beginning to think it might actually happen - we might actually finish. Today, the appliances arriving - that made it seem especially real. I'm so tired. I need to finish it soon. My business has suffered because of the building of the cabin. It's very stressful dividing myself up. My clients are getting more and more frustrated with me. Some days I wonder if I should just give it up and get a regular job. I keep telling myself that if I can just hang in there a little while longer, it'll get better. The little while longer becomes a lot longer though and still I'm waiting. This project has tested me. I think the house is going to be absolutely fantastic and we're going to love living there. We'll be glad we did it. I guess it's good that we couldn't foresee how hard it would be, because we may have changed the whole thing if we had.

My plate is full. I took care of my dad. I ran my business. I painted three paintings for Stamp Services. I'm doing framing for Roy's new building. I'll be painting a mural. The races start pretty soon and filming and editing those will add more to my plate. I need to concentrate on growing my business.

Even though I'm overwhelmed, I guess I wouldn't want it any other way. I never ever ever regret selling our house in Drum Point and building this house. This project has been healing. It healed many of the wounds I've carried since childhood. It set things right. It makes our decision to sell the cabin in Gettysburg right. I regretted that and missed it so much. I almost mourned that other cabin. It wasn't just a place to live - it was a lifestyle. We were headed in the right direction. I have to admit, though, that our time in Drum Point was wonderful, too. I am amazed at how many great memories I have there with my family and with friends. All those movie nights when teenagers were all over the couches and all over the floor. And I made the cinnamon muffins and toll house cookies. And Gabriel was there. I miss Gabriel. It was wonderful being the center of someone's universe.

Ah, well. We'll see where this blogging thing goes. I'm going to take a couple of Advil and see what's on TV. The wind is howling outside and it's supposed to rain. Tomorrow is Friday. That's a good thing - that it'll be Friday.