The Whole Buffet on My Plate

I have the whole buffet on my plate this week. A little of everything. I edited two races (just finishing up the second one with not a second to spare), lost and reclaimed my website, built a new website from scratch, did the paperwork for a brand new company, skipped more meals than not, moved a whole storage bin to the cabin, put up the ceiling of a porch, stained a log wall, accepted delivery on 40 boxes of kitchen cabinets, watched the plumber install pipes and tubs and showers, celebrated running water, entertained a 4 year old, got the floor measured for hard wood and carpet, and celebrated warmth and spring. And the week is not completely over. It was actually a busier week than I'm making it out to be, but I started falling asleep just thinking about the things I've done, so thought better of listing them all.

I'm thinking of adding photography to my business. Video AND photography. Not sure if I'm spreading myself too thin (is that even possible?) I have this vision of having people come to my studio here at the cabin for portraits. It just sounds like fun. I'd love it if I could photograph pets, too. I have two videography associates who added photography to their businesses and they have had an incredibly successful year. One of them said she made $100,000 this year and she's going to hire two people to work for her. Imagine that. I have to buy another camera for it though. Can't wait. I love new toys. I already have the lights. I even have a green screen - not that it has anything to do with photography.

This weekend we're going to try to finish up the wiring in the cabin. It's important to do that. It's holding the whole project up now. The inspector won't come and inspect the plumbing until he can inspect the wiring, too. So we have to buy a bunch of blue boxes. He said we have to have all of them installed. So we'll work on that and a couple of guys will work on walls or floors. The plumber won't come back until the inspection is done and we have the cabinets in. We can't put the cabinets in until the walls are up and we can't put the walls up until the inspection is done and the inspection can't be done until the wiring is done. Sheesh! A log jam, for sure. So if we get that wiring done, the whole thing will flow again. I bought a formal gown, high heels, black hose, earrings and a necklace to wear when I go out and do my celebration dance. I'm going to dance all around the house with joy.

Well, I'm going to eat some lunch. It's about time. Might be too busy to get supper tonight - race night.

More another time.

Something about rain

There's something about rain. Right now, I don't mind it. It means I probably won't have to film the first race of the season tonight. I'm grateful for the reprieve. It's one of those days when I remind myself that I'm not going to take the term "Dried In" for granted. I appreciate "Dried In" indeed. I enjoy rainy days most when I can stay home and curl up with a good old movie or a good book. Today I have to put in some time at the off-site office, so I can't do the "curl-up" thing. It'll be all the sweeter though when it's a rainy day and we live in the log cabin and I can do lots of quality "curling-up".

Any day now we'll have plumbing and heating. Today we're going to buy the sinks and vanities for the bathrooms, buy stain for the walls, buy tiles for the bathroom floor. We're going to work lots of hours putting in the sub-floors upstairs. Up until now we've only been able to put in a couple of boards each evening. Last evening we got in seven boards. From now on we're going to use lights and work longer. We're both anxious to get finished. We need to finish. We've got some quality time coming our way.

I still think a lot about those last weeks with my dad. There's really no one I can talk to about it. It was an unusal time.

I like to lay in bed in the mornings while Roy is getting ready for work. The RV is small and it's difficult for the two of us to be up and getting ready for anything at the same time. So I lay in bed while he's showering and dressing and eating breakfast. I like to "think" about things. Right now I have to really hunt around in my head for nice things to think about. Most things quickly lead to stress. If I think about editing (and I love to edit), I immediately remember that I'm unbelievably behind and that clients are chomping at the bit. I seem to be able to think about some aspects of the cabin. The things that we're working on now are pretty great compared to what we've had to do so far. I think I'd like (no, I'd LOVE) to have the electrical work done. That would open up lots of new doors. I guess I should focus on one thing at a time, huh?

I was the chairman of an event in Baltimore Tuesday evening. It was an honor to be a part of the first Film Festival for the Baltimore Videographer's Association. We ended up with several sponsors, with 41 excellent video entries, and a wonderful evening of "dress-up". I stood up in front of maybe 100 people and hosted the evening. I felt comfortable and I hope I was able to make the audience comfortable. It was a joy to announce the winners and get hugs as well as hand-shakes from each of them. I could tell they were indeed overjoyed to win an award. It was great to see the winners so happy to be "recognized" and "chosen". I was happy for them. It didn't matter that I wasn't a winner. Because they were winners, I felt like a winner, too. Anyhow, the hard work paid off and I'm glad we did it.

I have a small article (very small) in a magazine right now. I didn't expect it. I wrote a letter to Log Home Living and hoped they would contact me about doing an article on our cabin, since we're building it ourselves. They never did get in touch with me, but I wasn't concerned. Then yesterday my new magazine arrived in the mail. It was actually too warm in the RV to do editing. The computers were getting hot. So I got a glass of water and gathered up the cat, a couple of phones, and the magazine - and went out to sit in the cabin for a few minutes. I settled into the lawn chair that sits in the master bedroom. I arranged my phones on a pile of lumber and found a safe spot for my glass of water. I opened up the magazine and perused the first pages. On page 10 my eye fell on a photo. I normally look at the pictures first. Wait a minute! Hold on there! That's me. That's us. What the...? I looked the page over and it was about us. In fact, it was the very letter I wrote. Word for word. I didn't write it for publishing, so I'm thinking "I should have written it differently" - maybe more interesting. But there it is anyhow - an "as is" article. Then it hit me that this letter and this picture were going to be seen by a lot of people. I'm in a national magazine. WooHoo!!! So it was my moment in the sun. What an awesome thing.

I just thought of another thing I can think about. My children. What do you call your children when they're grown up - have been for a while now? chil-ups? bigguns? Anyhow, right now, today, all three of my children are thriving. Sarah is thriving at her job and has turned it into a career. Her stick-to-it-iveness has paid off for her. Congratulations, Sarah! Robert just finished Officer Candidate School and has moved on to Texas where he's in another school. He is living a good life. Things are falling into place for him and soon he'll have his wife and children at his side again. Good for you, Robert! And Dan. Dan has found a career, too, and it's one that fits him well. He's living in a wonderful part of the country - the Philly area - and he's living large. Way to go, Dan! I'm with you all. Even when you don't think I am. I'm close by, even from afar.

I hope to get better at this blogging thing. I may never excel at it, but it'll be fun taking the journey.

Shelley

Overwhelmed

This is my first entry. I'm nervous. Don't know what to think of this blogging stuff. I'm an avid journalist, so I'm telling myself that I just need to write as if I'm writing in my journal. I've been journaling since I was ten years old - a long time. When I got married, I threw away those first journals. Now I wish I hadn't. So - word of advice - keep journals and never throw them away. Someone told me that they ended up with a sister's journals. The children of the sister wanted them destroyed, but my friend said she wasn't sure what to do. I asked her not to thrown them away - that she didn't need to read them, but that the sister wouldn't have wanted to spend all those years writing the words from her heart and then have them destroyed. It would be like saying her life didn't count for anything. So I say, keep those journals. No one needs to read them, but they should at least be saved.

There! The first words are out. I'm good to go.

I am very very sore tonight. Our appliances were delivered today for the log cabin and I had to move a whole bundle of tongue and groove lumber so the guys could bring the appliances into the house. I worked pretty hard and actually finished before they arrived. I also cleaned up the inside of the cabin. It was in pretty bad shape with trash and wood chips and sawdust and scraps of wood. I was pretty excited about getting the appliances. It sort of symbolizes something. I have to admit that I have not believed in this project. When we decided to do it, I wanted it with all my heart. But once we got started, I started floundering. Is the place too big? Will we be able to afford it? Can we build it ourselves? Will we finish it? I had lots of doubts. I cried a lot. Roy, my husband, never doubted. His faith was steadfast. He was an inspiration to me and sometimes his faith kept me going when nothing inside myself could. This has been the hardest thing we've ever done. It took more help than we thought we'd need. I felt bad because we were supposed to be building it mostly ourselves, but we depended on others so much. Every step of the way was very slow and very hard. We had lots of good days when things seemed to go quickly and look so wonderful. Then we had lots of bad days when it was wet or too hot or too cold or there wasn't enough help.

Then the logs were up. And in the middle of that - of starting on the roof - my dad came to live with us. I hadn't seen much of my dad in probably 30 years. I don't know who's fault that was. I wrote to my dad and I sent him things. But he seldom answered. He was only here three months. He died on December 30th. We knew he was going to die, but not when. He seemed to be getting better actually. He was almost totally deaf. In that three months we never really got to talk. I think that's one of my biggest regrets. I thought we had more time. I thought eventually I'd be able to get him a hearing aide. I thought we'd get the cabin done and he'd get to move into it and be move comfortable. When he came to us, we were living in an RV (still are), and we put him in the other RV. I think he was disappointed about everything. I think he was very unhappy here. I think he was lonely and wanted so desperately to have a family life. I couldn't make it happen. He didn't want to really come over to our RV and his was too small for family get-togethers. Plus it was hard to be with him. He couldn't hear, so you couldn't talk to him. He didn't watch TV or listen to the radio since he was deaf. So when you visited him, he would reminisce about the old days and we would listen.

Last night I was thinking about him. I guess my main memory is of him just sitting over there. He sat over there in silence. We had a baby monitor and so we could hear if he needed help. He never said a word when he was alone. All I could hear was the oxygen machine. He just sat there on the little couch in silence and all alone. Sometimes I'd hear him fixing himself something to eat. But he was mostly alone. Once when I was over there, he was crying. He said he was so lonely. He said he saw me coming and going a lot, but I wasn't coming and going to see him. I feel bad about how much time he was alone over there. I know in my heart that I did my best. I was over there quite a bit. I tried so hard to make him happy. It wasn't possible - at least not in our circumstances. But now he's gone. I got to know him a little better, but it was a disapointment for him. I know this whole thing is kind of rambling, but that's sort of how my emotions and thoughts are about him. I can't think about it much, but it's always there in the back of my mind. It was a really hard time. And it was at a really difficult time.

Now the roof is on the cabin. The stairway is built, so we can walk up and down without ladders and without going outside and around. No more mud. No more sweeping up water. I'm beginning to think it might actually happen - we might actually finish. Today, the appliances arriving - that made it seem especially real. I'm so tired. I need to finish it soon. My business has suffered because of the building of the cabin. It's very stressful dividing myself up. My clients are getting more and more frustrated with me. Some days I wonder if I should just give it up and get a regular job. I keep telling myself that if I can just hang in there a little while longer, it'll get better. The little while longer becomes a lot longer though and still I'm waiting. This project has tested me. I think the house is going to be absolutely fantastic and we're going to love living there. We'll be glad we did it. I guess it's good that we couldn't foresee how hard it would be, because we may have changed the whole thing if we had.

My plate is full. I took care of my dad. I ran my business. I painted three paintings for Stamp Services. I'm doing framing for Roy's new building. I'll be painting a mural. The races start pretty soon and filming and editing those will add more to my plate. I need to concentrate on growing my business.

Even though I'm overwhelmed, I guess I wouldn't want it any other way. I never ever ever regret selling our house in Drum Point and building this house. This project has been healing. It healed many of the wounds I've carried since childhood. It set things right. It makes our decision to sell the cabin in Gettysburg right. I regretted that and missed it so much. I almost mourned that other cabin. It wasn't just a place to live - it was a lifestyle. We were headed in the right direction. I have to admit, though, that our time in Drum Point was wonderful, too. I am amazed at how many great memories I have there with my family and with friends. All those movie nights when teenagers were all over the couches and all over the floor. And I made the cinnamon muffins and toll house cookies. And Gabriel was there. I miss Gabriel. It was wonderful being the center of someone's universe.

Ah, well. We'll see where this blogging thing goes. I'm going to take a couple of Advil and see what's on TV. The wind is howling outside and it's supposed to rain. Tomorrow is Friday. That's a good thing - that it'll be Friday.