Way Back

I am not about me, but about those around me. I'm about those I love and who love me. I enjoy solitude and am comfortable with my own self. I admit, though, that my best memories involve other people. In this photograph, I don't think I have any memories. Probably no thoughts at all. I'm happy though. I'm with someone who loves me. At the moment this photo was taken, I only knew that I was fed and dry and that I was held securely and safely. I knew nothing about days to come.

I'd like to share a video with you. It's about my dad. http://www.logcabinstudios.tv/flash%20Video/ATA_Highlight.html

Even now, I don't know what lies ahead. I'm blindly content. I'm okay with that. I'm good at living in the moment. Sometimes it causes me to march in place. I sit down at the computer, determined to maintain the needed discipline to get my editing done. The phone rings and pulls me out of my frame of mind. It's another videographer. We talk for a few minutes. The other videographer is feeling isolated and just wants to hear the sound of a human being's voice. I know that feeling, so I don't fuss. When at last I hang up, I'm ready for a glass of water, so I head down to the kitchen. On the way, I notice that the bed is unmade or the cats need water. One thing leads to another and I find myself sitting back down to work at 2:00. The day is half gone. I enjoy whatever I'm doing at the moment to the point that I think I'm doomed to accomplish little. I'll tell you though - making videos is awesome. You think up an idea in your head, film it, edit it, and watch your vision come to life. If that's even a billionith of what it must have been like when God created the world, Wow! - He must have loved it. He had a vision and he made it happen. Creativity is the great. We probably all think he's done with his creating. I think we're a work in progress though. What do you think?

So. If you've never met me before and you're just passing through - leave a note. If you have met me - leave a note. It's been a long dry spell since anybody's left me a note. My cup of creativity is bone dry. Help me fill it up by dropping me a line.

Shelley

Journal Entry from early life

On Sunday, August 8th, 1982, I wrote in my journal the following

I had a baby this morning at 4:37 a.m. I had a baby boy and we named him Daniel Edward Wilson...he is so beautiful. He has a round face.

Then what seems like a moment later, I wrote another journal entry

Dan turns 22 today. Somehow that feels like more of a landmark for me than for him. Turning 21 was a landmark for Dan, but it still sounded like 'son at home' than 22 does. 22 sounds more like 'son grown and gone so turn his room into something else now'. What do you think? Well, I think Dan's birthday is on the most beautiful day of the summer.

It's hard to let go of kids after having them around for 27 years. From the day Sarah was born until the day Dan was really grown and moved out on his own - was 27 years. I've thought about it a bit - being a mom without kids around. There have been so many wonderful and joyful days in my life as a mom. I have been blessed with such great moments and memories. Some days, though, I miss that most colorful and bright part of myself - my children. The best parts of me have grown up and are living their own lives. I wouldn't want it any other way, but there are just some days now and then - days I call 'onion days'.

I made a video about this. I made it for me. It's the only video I ever really made for me. It's about those onion days - when I wish ... well, when I miss old times. I don't know why, but last week I got the urge to enter that video in a Film Festival in Philadelphia. It didn't win. But everyone there knew it was me in the video and two young women came and sat with me as soon as it started playing. They cried through the whole thing. After the festival, some people approached me and congratulated me on such a well-done and beautiful video. There are a lot of moms out there who miss the days when their children were little. I sometimes think we miss the days when the children were the center of our universe, but now I'm wondering if perhaps we don't also miss that brief and fleeting time when WE were the center of their universe.

I'd like to show the video to others, but I'm scared. It shows my own vulnerability. Yet the message in it is so real and touches a truth. I don't know, but I wonder if other people feel the same.