Journal Entry from early life

On Sunday, August 8th, 1982, I wrote in my journal the following

I had a baby this morning at 4:37 a.m. I had a baby boy and we named him Daniel Edward Wilson...he is so beautiful. He has a round face.

Then what seems like a moment later, I wrote another journal entry

Dan turns 22 today. Somehow that feels like more of a landmark for me than for him. Turning 21 was a landmark for Dan, but it still sounded like 'son at home' than 22 does. 22 sounds more like 'son grown and gone so turn his room into something else now'. What do you think? Well, I think Dan's birthday is on the most beautiful day of the summer.

It's hard to let go of kids after having them around for 27 years. From the day Sarah was born until the day Dan was really grown and moved out on his own - was 27 years. I've thought about it a bit - being a mom without kids around. There have been so many wonderful and joyful days in my life as a mom. I have been blessed with such great moments and memories. Some days, though, I miss that most colorful and bright part of myself - my children. The best parts of me have grown up and are living their own lives. I wouldn't want it any other way, but there are just some days now and then - days I call 'onion days'.

I made a video about this. I made it for me. It's the only video I ever really made for me. It's about those onion days - when I wish ... well, when I miss old times. I don't know why, but last week I got the urge to enter that video in a Film Festival in Philadelphia. It didn't win. But everyone there knew it was me in the video and two young women came and sat with me as soon as it started playing. They cried through the whole thing. After the festival, some people approached me and congratulated me on such a well-done and beautiful video. There are a lot of moms out there who miss the days when their children were little. I sometimes think we miss the days when the children were the center of our universe, but now I'm wondering if perhaps we don't also miss that brief and fleeting time when WE were the center of their universe.

I'd like to show the video to others, but I'm scared. It shows my own vulnerability. Yet the message in it is so real and touches a truth. I don't know, but I wonder if other people feel the same.

The Secret

Have you heard about "The Secret"?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phL0RLKL8bc

What do you think about it? It brought tears to my eyes. I realize that the images were filmed by a professional ad agency using big-bucks film cameras, but the images made me want to capture things like that and put them together in ways that would move people and inspire them. I don't know where to go with it from there.

Someone gave me the book that goes with the video. It's about "The Law of Attraction" and is an interesting concept. If you've read it or looked at it, what do you think? It's about the way we think. There have been lots of books about that and people have spent their lives trying to figure out and harness how thinking affects us. This book says, more or less, that we sort of become our thoughts. If we're negative thinkers, we're negative people. If we're postive thinkers, we're positive people. It takes it further by saying that the way you think will direct your life. It sort of magnetizes you, so that like items are always in your life.

So I'm wondering what other people think about this. Do you think you can think yourself sick? Think yourself healthy? Think yourself rich? or poor? I'd love to know.

The picture that I chose for today's blog isn't an exceptionally magnificent photo. The thing that made me choose it was the way I felt the moment I took it. I was immensely happy. I had Kay, my best friend, with me. We were on one of our photography excursion in the German countryside. I have nothing but good memories about those times. Kay was a positive-thinker. She was good to be around. I can still hear her voice and see her face in my mind's eye. To really experience life, you have to get out of the car. You have to walk the lane. People seem afraid to do that. On my photo excursions, I definitely get out of the car.

What madness is this?

What madness can this be? I finished typing my latest blog - just minutes ago, as a matter of fact. Thought I'd read the blogs of someone else. That lead to reading yet someone else's blog. Wow. Then another. I was reading that third one and there was a blog about his children being sick on their vacation. I'm feeling sorry for those kids and all of a sudden my neck feels achey and I feel a little feverish myself. It's true, I've had a tickle in my throat all day, but nothing major. I'm reading that guy's blog and suddenly I don't feel so good at all. Sheesh.

I'm going to put one of my favorite pictures into this blog. It makes me feel better just to look at it.

Late hours tonight

I'm planning to work late tonight. I need to get some wedding stuff done. With Roy out of town, I can spend the time working and not feel guilty that I'm ignoring him. Tomorrow and Wednesday I'll be in Baltimore, so today is my only chance.

I've decided to add photography to my business, in case I haven't mentioned it before. I bought a brand new Canon 30D. I love it. I'm afraid I already have my sites set on a 5D. That's my dream camera. Next. For now, I have a great 30D. I have been practicing with it and feel like I'm getting the hang of many of the controls. I'm not sure about focus yet. I try to put it on manual focus and I'm not getting clear shots. I read that you can adjust the eyepiece to fit your own eyes. I haven't done that yet, because several people have been using the camera and taking pictures. If I set it for myself, they - no wait. It will be okay. I can tell them to use the Auto Focus setting. That should work. My getting new glasses would work, too. Anyhow, the night I bought the camera, I was so excited, I couldn't sleep. I love photography. It has immediate reinforcement, because you can look at what you just did immediately. What's that called - ah, immediate gratification. I am still crazy about video, too. I felt like a traitor deciding to add photography and get back into that - but in reality, I am a visual person and I will do whatever is necessary to express what needs expressing - artwork, photography, written word, or video.

I am getting to know lots of people through my work. They are all an hour or more away, but it's still just great to be making friends at last. Videographers and photographers are awesome people.

I'm thinking of creating a new blog site that is connected to my website. It'll be a way to keep my clients up to date on my work. Right now I'm so behind that I feel like my clients are probably on their way here with a lynching party (spelled that lunching the first time). Should I get out of the wedding videography business like Diane S is doing? She was also very slow and got really tired of the stress of being behind. Maybe I'm not cut out for that kind of stress. I can move into other areas of videography and into photography. I just don't know. I love wedding videography. I might need to work harder at getting faster. I know. I know. When the house is done.

Speaking of which - Sarah and Kevin were awesome this past weekend. They got the whole floor done in the guest bedroom. Well, almost. The OSB needs to be run out over the back porch yet. But I consider it done. We got the kitchen cabinets installed. I was supposed to call the "counter" people today to come measure for the counters - but completely forgot. Roy got the final floor installed in the guest bathroom. And we put in the sink and hung the mirrow over it. It looks great. We still have to get that electricity done. We have two outside lights on the front porch to wire and the two lights beside the laundry room door to wire. Then a few inside things. We're close to done though. We were able to get some things wired that we didn't think we could - like the light on the back porch off of the master bedroom. It was hard, but we got it done. It looks wonderful to walk into the cabin and see kitchen cabinets and bathrooms and all that good stuff.

Ta Ta.

Only a minute

This spring is beautiful. The fact that the cabin is under roof makes any weather beautiful. But it has been really nice. We're having sunny days in the 70's and that makes it even better. I'm overwhelmed with work and most of the time I'm okay with that. I just look at the thing I'm doing at the moment and keep my mind focused on that. When I finish it, I look at what needs doing next. I always have an overall picture in my head of all the things I need to do, but I focus on what I'm doing right now. The only time I get stressed about it is when something bad happens, such as a client calling and getting upset because their wedding video isn't done. That really upsets me and then everything looks more overwhelming and I want to quit or run away. On rainy days it seems worse. On nice days - like today - it seems better.

Sometimes I have days like yesterday. We got a lot done on the cabin this weekend and last evening I had to drive up to Gaithersburg to meet with a prospective client - my first Bar Mitzvah and my first photography gig. I was very nervous. They hadn't hired me yet, but wanted to meet with me and they wanted me to bring a camera and take pictures of the son to use as a sign-in picture at the reception. I didn't want to show up with my little Canon Rebel if I didn't have to, so when I was at Best Buy Saturday evening, I looked at their cameras. They had a Canon 30D, but not the 20D. I was told by colleagues to buy a 20D. I had gone online looking for one. Lots of places had them, but they were places like "Bargains.com" or "Cheap.com" and I wanted to buy it from a place I'm familiar with, like B&H. B&H doesn't sell them. What to do? Well, Best Buy had several cameras, including my Rebel, a couple of Nikons, a Sony, and the Canon 30D. The guy working there opened up the case (he admitted he knows practically nothing about cameras - great) and I got to handle the cameras. The Nikon and the Canon 30D felt awesome. Heavy, substantial. I decided the 3oD must be even better than the 20D. I mean, afterall, the number 30D seems higher than 20D - right? Plus I had found out the 20D costs about $950 and here was this 30D at $1,499. It must be a better camera. So I bought it. I bought a zoom lens, too. I was so excited. I didn't get to sleep until 2 am that night because I was so excited about really committing to photography by making that purchase.

The next day while we were working on the cabin, I started wondering about my purchase. I ran inside and got online and started looking. I found several forums where people talked about the 20D, the 30D, and the Nikon. They liked the Canon better than the Nikon - didn't expect that. I couldn't find anything comparing the 20D and 30D though. But I did find out that the smaller the number of the camera, the better the resolution. That upset me. I found an old article saying that the 20D has 8.2 megapixels and that the 30D only had like 5. Well, my 30D has 8.2, so I must have the newest model. That's all I could find comparing the two. The 5D has over 10 megapixels and costs almost $3,000. So it looks like the smaller the number of the model, the better the camera. It looks like there's a 1D, which is really awesome, but I didn't see any specs or prices on that. SO! I don't know if I made a great purchase or not. I do know that all my Canon cameas can share lenses. So if I have to buy just the body of a 20D or a 5D later, I can do that and keep different lenses on each one so that when I'm shooting pictures at a gig, I don't have to take the lens off and put on a different one. I'd just use the different cameras for the different shots. But still. I bought a 30D. I hope I didn't do a stupid thing.

I took that camera with me last night to Gaithersburg. Like I said, I was nervous. On the way, since it was suppertime, I ate pork rinds, puffn cheese popcorn, a candy bar, beef jerky, and a Pepsi. Sheesh. That's nervous. I got there 15 minutes early and didn't realize it. I caught them off guard. The mother was napping. They were very gracious and kind though. We all sat down in the family room. The son seemed very aloof and didn't talk much. I told them I'd like to just talk first - get to know them and the son. I asked the son what he's interested in - hobbies and studies at school. I asked him about friends. He loosened up a tiny bit, but not a lot. He is not only smart, but he's incredibly gifted. I decided I could trust him with my brand new camera. I handed it to him and showed him how to do a couple of things. He loved it. Soon he was smiling and he took pictures of his sister and parents. He tried different settings and decided he likes photography. His parents were happy to see that I was able to make the children comfortable. I took pictures of the boy doing some karate forms. He was uncomfortable with that - wanted to be photographed in a suit and tie. I told him that if he'd let me get him doing some karate, then we'd do the suit and tie next. He had so much fun doing the karate for the camera that we didn't have to do the suit and tie after all. Then for fun, I took pictures of the younger sister doing hula hoop. That sounds like nothing, but it was something indeed. She can keep up to 11 hula hoops going. She has a routine with them and she has a poodle skirt she wears. I got her to wear the poodle skirt and do the whole routine. We had so much fun. The parents were thrilled with the pictures and I got the contract. Now all I have to do is figure out what to do with the pictures. I know just who I can ask. I know I need to send them somewhere online and make them available for the family and they'll chose which to use at the Bar Mitzvah. It needs to be printed poster size. How exciting.

So that's it. I am a photographer!

The Whole Buffet on My Plate

I have the whole buffet on my plate this week. A little of everything. I edited two races (just finishing up the second one with not a second to spare), lost and reclaimed my website, built a new website from scratch, did the paperwork for a brand new company, skipped more meals than not, moved a whole storage bin to the cabin, put up the ceiling of a porch, stained a log wall, accepted delivery on 40 boxes of kitchen cabinets, watched the plumber install pipes and tubs and showers, celebrated running water, entertained a 4 year old, got the floor measured for hard wood and carpet, and celebrated warmth and spring. And the week is not completely over. It was actually a busier week than I'm making it out to be, but I started falling asleep just thinking about the things I've done, so thought better of listing them all.

I'm thinking of adding photography to my business. Video AND photography. Not sure if I'm spreading myself too thin (is that even possible?) I have this vision of having people come to my studio here at the cabin for portraits. It just sounds like fun. I'd love it if I could photograph pets, too. I have two videography associates who added photography to their businesses and they have had an incredibly successful year. One of them said she made $100,000 this year and she's going to hire two people to work for her. Imagine that. I have to buy another camera for it though. Can't wait. I love new toys. I already have the lights. I even have a green screen - not that it has anything to do with photography.

This weekend we're going to try to finish up the wiring in the cabin. It's important to do that. It's holding the whole project up now. The inspector won't come and inspect the plumbing until he can inspect the wiring, too. So we have to buy a bunch of blue boxes. He said we have to have all of them installed. So we'll work on that and a couple of guys will work on walls or floors. The plumber won't come back until the inspection is done and we have the cabinets in. We can't put the cabinets in until the walls are up and we can't put the walls up until the inspection is done and the inspection can't be done until the wiring is done. Sheesh! A log jam, for sure. So if we get that wiring done, the whole thing will flow again. I bought a formal gown, high heels, black hose, earrings and a necklace to wear when I go out and do my celebration dance. I'm going to dance all around the house with joy.

Well, I'm going to eat some lunch. It's about time. Might be too busy to get supper tonight - race night.

More another time.

Something about rain

There's something about rain. Right now, I don't mind it. It means I probably won't have to film the first race of the season tonight. I'm grateful for the reprieve. It's one of those days when I remind myself that I'm not going to take the term "Dried In" for granted. I appreciate "Dried In" indeed. I enjoy rainy days most when I can stay home and curl up with a good old movie or a good book. Today I have to put in some time at the off-site office, so I can't do the "curl-up" thing. It'll be all the sweeter though when it's a rainy day and we live in the log cabin and I can do lots of quality "curling-up".

Any day now we'll have plumbing and heating. Today we're going to buy the sinks and vanities for the bathrooms, buy stain for the walls, buy tiles for the bathroom floor. We're going to work lots of hours putting in the sub-floors upstairs. Up until now we've only been able to put in a couple of boards each evening. Last evening we got in seven boards. From now on we're going to use lights and work longer. We're both anxious to get finished. We need to finish. We've got some quality time coming our way.

I still think a lot about those last weeks with my dad. There's really no one I can talk to about it. It was an unusal time.

I like to lay in bed in the mornings while Roy is getting ready for work. The RV is small and it's difficult for the two of us to be up and getting ready for anything at the same time. So I lay in bed while he's showering and dressing and eating breakfast. I like to "think" about things. Right now I have to really hunt around in my head for nice things to think about. Most things quickly lead to stress. If I think about editing (and I love to edit), I immediately remember that I'm unbelievably behind and that clients are chomping at the bit. I seem to be able to think about some aspects of the cabin. The things that we're working on now are pretty great compared to what we've had to do so far. I think I'd like (no, I'd LOVE) to have the electrical work done. That would open up lots of new doors. I guess I should focus on one thing at a time, huh?

I was the chairman of an event in Baltimore Tuesday evening. It was an honor to be a part of the first Film Festival for the Baltimore Videographer's Association. We ended up with several sponsors, with 41 excellent video entries, and a wonderful evening of "dress-up". I stood up in front of maybe 100 people and hosted the evening. I felt comfortable and I hope I was able to make the audience comfortable. It was a joy to announce the winners and get hugs as well as hand-shakes from each of them. I could tell they were indeed overjoyed to win an award. It was great to see the winners so happy to be "recognized" and "chosen". I was happy for them. It didn't matter that I wasn't a winner. Because they were winners, I felt like a winner, too. Anyhow, the hard work paid off and I'm glad we did it.

I have a small article (very small) in a magazine right now. I didn't expect it. I wrote a letter to Log Home Living and hoped they would contact me about doing an article on our cabin, since we're building it ourselves. They never did get in touch with me, but I wasn't concerned. Then yesterday my new magazine arrived in the mail. It was actually too warm in the RV to do editing. The computers were getting hot. So I got a glass of water and gathered up the cat, a couple of phones, and the magazine - and went out to sit in the cabin for a few minutes. I settled into the lawn chair that sits in the master bedroom. I arranged my phones on a pile of lumber and found a safe spot for my glass of water. I opened up the magazine and perused the first pages. On page 10 my eye fell on a photo. I normally look at the pictures first. Wait a minute! Hold on there! That's me. That's us. What the...? I looked the page over and it was about us. In fact, it was the very letter I wrote. Word for word. I didn't write it for publishing, so I'm thinking "I should have written it differently" - maybe more interesting. But there it is anyhow - an "as is" article. Then it hit me that this letter and this picture were going to be seen by a lot of people. I'm in a national magazine. WooHoo!!! So it was my moment in the sun. What an awesome thing.

I just thought of another thing I can think about. My children. What do you call your children when they're grown up - have been for a while now? chil-ups? bigguns? Anyhow, right now, today, all three of my children are thriving. Sarah is thriving at her job and has turned it into a career. Her stick-to-it-iveness has paid off for her. Congratulations, Sarah! Robert just finished Officer Candidate School and has moved on to Texas where he's in another school. He is living a good life. Things are falling into place for him and soon he'll have his wife and children at his side again. Good for you, Robert! And Dan. Dan has found a career, too, and it's one that fits him well. He's living in a wonderful part of the country - the Philly area - and he's living large. Way to go, Dan! I'm with you all. Even when you don't think I am. I'm close by, even from afar.

I hope to get better at this blogging thing. I may never excel at it, but it'll be fun taking the journey.

Shelley